Faking Me

Okay so sometimes I get these really weird obsessions with another persons life so much so that I want to be them. Everything about them seems so amazing and desirable that I am just about ready to ditch my own life for theirs. At those times I'm probably stalking them on every social media account they have just so I can keep tabs on their oh so glamorous lives. Sounds sad, I know, but judge me later because I have a point that I'm heading towards at a torturously slow pace.

So as I'm stalking them and bowing down at their feet, I reconsider how I act towards people and what first impressions I make on others. I wish that I could have the personality and persona of these people I prop up on a pedestal oh so high and I start comparing myself to them and thinking of 'all the things' I have in common with them. But now when I look back on how I act with other people I wonder if I'm really being me or I'm just faking a personality that I don't actually own. How am I supposed to know who I really am when I could be tricking myself into being this other person who in reality, I only just admire? At what point in life do you actually know who you are? I completely understand how painstakingly cliche this all sounds, I'm just another teenager searching for themselves, (I honestly considered backspacing that line but that would ruin the authenticity of this post now wouldn't it) but I don't know if I'm lying to myself, how am I supposed to know?

It annoys me when someone says just be yourself because saying that to someone who doesn't even know who they are makes it that much harder to stay true to who you are. To be honest, I don't think I'll ever become aware to 'who I am' but I guess I should stop thinking about it and go with the flow of life because apparently I think too much.

What I Know About Boys

The first thing you have to know about me before you continue reading is that I'm not a man-hater. The second thing you have to know about me is that I'm only 15 therefore I have had little to no experience with men but a load of experience with boys. Awesome. Now that you know that I may begin...

I love boys. I hate boys. I go between the two quite regularly. At the beginning, the beginning meaning when I was about 13 or so, I was super naive and had absolutely no experience whatsoever with the other half of my species. In primary school I attended a co-ed school, yet there were only 4 boys in our year four class and in years 5 and 6 we had none. It also didn't help that I was super chubby and not the prettiest flower. But I didn't mind too much as I was still quite young. Then primary school was over and I moved onto secondary school. I presently attend a single sex school and we share our brother school with like 10 other all girl schools, which kinda sucks. 

I had little contact with boys, until year 8 where a whole story that I really don't want to get into took place. Very dramatic, very heart-breaking. But basically a guy asked me out for the first time. Yay! And I fell for him later. But by that point he had stopped liking me blah-blah-blah, he fell for my friend and it hurt a whole fucking lot. Luckily I have moved on from then. And more guys have asked me out since. Many I have fallen for, many I have left. I want to let you first know, that I still remain unkissed and have never had a boyfriend. Anyway at the start, I was very naive and easily flattered. If a guy called me hot, it was one of the most amazing things to me and I cringe soso much to think that I let a guy have that much control over my emotions and what I thought of myself. 

I used to believe that every boy had to like me otherwise the sky would fall flat on my face. It used to bother me so much when someone, let alone a boy, disliked me which is so incredibly pathetic to look back on. Not everyone is going to like me. Everyone is different. Everyone has different interests and tastes which is completely and utterly fine and normal.

My friends began to warn me that these boys were bad news and that they wanted to take advantage of me and use me, which was fair to say. Of course I was outraged that they'd even think that 'my friends' would ever do something like that to me because I was so infatuated by the flattery of everything that was going on at the time. I told them they were totally wrong and didn't understand. I even thought they were jealous of all the attention I was receiving. Wow Maddie. Like any girl, I enjoyed and still continue to enjoy compliments and attention, don't even deny that you don't also. When you're a teenager you're usually running low on self-esteem and someone telling you how amazing you are is just a lovely boost for your self-confidence. Let me say that I lost a couple of friends during this period of time which I regret immensely even though I've been able to regain those friendships. 

So it turns out that half of them were using me or tried to use me. There was one boy that I almost gave into because I liked him soso much, my friends hated him and now he's also not my most favourite person in the world to say in the least. He always tried to persuade me into doing things I certainly wasn't comfortable doing and he made me feel super ashamed of myself for not feeling up to that stage of life. But I soon realised that I wasn't supposed to be treated like that so I stood up for myself and broke all connection with him which was super hard. Eventually I met another boy that I had a little thing/fling with and he was ohso kind and caring and till this day we're still really great friends. 

Throughout the time period of about two years I've had rumours spread about me, awful things said behind my back, a whole lot of drama and mixed in with all that a load of flattery. But I'm sick of it and about a month ago I decided that I'd stop caring so much about what boys and people in general, think about me because the only people who matter, essentially, are my friends and my family. There is no point involving yourself and stressing about pointless drama that is going to give you nothing but temporary flattery, a lot of heart break and a long list of regrets. My friend is going through a similar situation right now with a boy, that in one word or less, is acting like a complete arse hole to her and she unfortunately can't see through all the bullshit. I have warned her again and again to stay away and to not put up with him and I stupidly talked to the guy which was a mistake. NEVER GET INVOLVED IN SOMEONE ELSES BUSINESS (that's my advice anyway). But from now on I'm going to let her make her mistakes so that she learns from it and corrects them. For now, I'll just have to wait and be there for her when she breaks. 

The last thing I want to mention is that I'm not suggesting that the whole male species are a downfall for the human race because they're not, I merely want to let you know that it's worth being wary and to remember to always stay in touch with who you were raised to be. Do not let any guy alter who you are as a human being because if they want to change you for the worst they are not the guy for you. Please, go out, meet boys, have relationships, experience new things, just do so with the nice guys. 

This movie though <3