Being Good But Not Good Enough

Music definitely plays it's part in my list of 'top 3 things that make my life good'. Without meaning to blow my own trumpet in any way at all, I know that I do have talent, at some standard, musically. I love to play, listen and create music because in the simplest of statements, it makes me happy. Very happy. I've always gone along, prancing around the world thinking that music was the thing I was best at and although that may still be true now, it's the thing that struck me around 4 months ago that brings panic, alarm and mostly confusion into my already muddled up head. What if I'm not good enough? I'm sorry to be all pessimistic and negative nelly on you and I don't expect fake reassurance of 'Oh of course you're good enough' or 'Don't say that, doubting yourself is never good' but I'm being realistic and my life was in serious need of a reality check.

So what am I supposed to do if the thing that I am best at is not of a high enough standard to be considered seriously? Unless I'm wrong, unless I haven't discovered the thing that I'm best at yet. Or perhaps there's not one thing that stands out among the all the other stuff I'm average at. Okay now I really should stop...

I know I'm only 15 and this sounds so cliche and so cringe-worthy, 'oh no the high-shool student is confused about life', but it matters to me because I feel like I've lost the most important hobby I had. I guess the next step is to compromise, to mix and match. I've been told I can keep music as a hobby on the side, or become a music journalist or a producer but I've never wanted to be someone on the sidelines, I want to be in the thick of it where the heart of the music is because that's what I love. The creative side, all the outtakes and the 100 versions of the same track, I want to see how the music evolves from a basic tune and a string of lyrics into something so amazing, something so fantastic. It's not fair that music can have such a massive effect on my life yet I can make barely an imprint in the definition of it.